crumbled from a single breath!
I watch a crescent moon
floating on the water,
dusk light
gathered at its tip.
My satori poem, 20 years late
Another photograph found in my closet :
Pratt, Kansas
~ ~ ~
The next morning I felt somewhat normal, although still a bit intoxicated from the previous evening.
I drove to work on my normal route, and began the day with the usual routine - going to a hidden corner of the warehouse to do 5 minutes of stretching and deep breathing, then gathering my supplies for the day - pen, green cart, and clipboard stuffed with orders to be filled.
Walking around in the dusty oiled light, I felt beautiful and cheerful. Something had happened inside of me, I did not know what, but it was good.
Mike the long hair walked over to me, John following behind him.
"Jim, last night John was getting a blow job from his girlfriend and he fell asleep."
I gave my usual reply, which was a small smile.
Mike wanted me to say something, so he asked a question.
"If you were getting knob would you fall asleep?"
Sometimes I had trouble answering Mike's questions, but this one posed no problem.
"No."
Mike turned to John, who now stood by his side, grinning.
"See, John, Jim wouldn't fall asleep, either."
John seemed to be in a good humor, and he laughed.
Even though John had called me an asshole earlier in the summer, we somehow managed to get along. Since I was self sufficient and knew warehouse procedures better than him, I did not need his help, and therefore ignored him most of the day.
A few days after calling me an asshole he was still pissed. I was pulling some sprinkler heads off a low shelf, placing them on my cart. Jorie stood about 10 feet away, working on something. John came flying around a corner with the forklift. Instead of slowing down as he approached me, he made a fast turn and the pallet he was hauling leveled against my legs. I recognized the danger as he approached, but instead of trying to avoid the skid, I half closed my eyes and breathed deeply. There was a loud crash and some of the pipe fittings that were on the skid fell to the floor, surrounding my feet. I was expecting to be knocked to the floor, writhing in pain. Instead, it appeared as if my body had diverted the heavy iron. I watched as the skid hit something, was it my legs?... and come to a quick halt.
I stood amid the mess, a sprinkler head in my right hand. Although I had just witnessed a potential disaster to my well being and health, there was not a stir of fear inside of me. My heart rate had not even increased. I continued to breathe with a calm evenness, a smile upon my face. I looked about, wondering how everything had crashed around, but not into me.
Jorie looked on in disbelief.
"John, what are you doing?!" she exclaimed.
John looked bewildered, angry that he had missed his chance to do me harm. He did not answer. He was in as much disbelief as I was. I bent down to pick up the scattered pipe fittings, and placed them back on his skid. When all the fittings were off the floor, I turned back to the shelf and continued pulling sprinkler heads.
After that day John did not know what to make of me. He knew I was an asshole, but he did not count on me being an insane asshole. He kept his distance from me, but when he spoke his tone was slightly reverential, a kind of respect for the enemy. He knew I had no fear of him, and he now knew I had no fear of death.
"I have not been getting a lot of sleep, it was past midnight when she was sucking me off", John said as he walked away.
"fuck, John, your a homo," Mike yelled.
"Look here, Jim".
Mike pointed to his bare bicep. A still wet tattoo was engraved on his arm. I looked at it.
"What do you think? I got it last night."
I could not think of anything witty to say.
"It looks painful".
"A little, but I love this, it looks so awesome!"
Mike was happy. I was happy because Mike was happy.
I walked to my green pull cart, clipboard in hand, and started another long day of work.
I worked my way through the orders, filling my cart. When I was near the loading docks I saw 2 sparrows mating. I realized I had never seen 2 birds having sex before, and I watched intently.
"Jim, leave those birds alone, can't you see their busy," Mike said.
"I've never seen that before".
Mike stopped to watch. We stood together, sweat dripping off our arms. The birds flitted about, making love. It seemed depressing, why would they choose to mate on a dirty loading dock?
When the birds finished I bent over my cart and started to double check my work before loading it onto a skid.
At that moment, the flower which had opened inside me the previous evening, broke open again, a full blown blossom growing inside my chest!
I felt the same sensation as the night before, as if my cells were filling with the flower's redolence, but with a double dosage of light and love.
Mike was still standing beside me. I straightened myself up, and looked at the light slanting through the loading dock doors, the heavy grease marks on the gray floor looking warm and moist. I wondered if Mike could sense what was happening to me. He was studying his tattoo, so had not noticed that I was currently in a state of insane clarity.
"Nothing can harm me", went through my head.
Mike could whip a sprinkler head at my face. John could run me over with the fork lift. Fred could fire me. None of it mattered.
"What if my mother died this instant?" I thought.
"Even that, it is all part of the flow. There is nothing to fear."
A beatific ecstasy overwhelmed me as I filled a skid with oily elbows and shiny little sprinkler heads. I picked up the shrink wrap roll and wrapped the order tight, circling the skid as if it was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.
Mike and his tattoo even looked beautiful.
The flower inside of me remained open for 3 or 4 hours. My eyes continually looked inward, gazing at the immensity of its power and beauty.
As the day came to a close, the flower began to close itself for good, never to open again. I walked out of the warehouse, dirty and stinking, and crossed the small lot to my car. I sat in my car for a minute or two, a supreme empty silence surrounding me.
Mike got into his car, waved to me as his tires spun gravel into the air, his engine revving loud and heavy. I followed, pulling out of the lot, heading into traffic. The late afternoon sun splotched the dirty windshield with rings of light, the dust sparkling like a halo of gold.
~ ~ ~
The next morning I felt somewhat normal, although still a bit intoxicated from the previous evening.
I drove to work on my normal route, and began the day with the usual routine - going to a hidden corner of the warehouse to do 5 minutes of stretching and deep breathing, then gathering my supplies for the day - pen, green cart, and clipboard stuffed with orders to be filled.
Walking around in the dusty oiled light, I felt beautiful and cheerful. Something had happened inside of me, I did not know what, but it was good.
Mike the long hair walked over to me, John following behind him.
"Jim, last night John was getting a blow job from his girlfriend and he fell asleep."
I gave my usual reply, which was a small smile.
Mike wanted me to say something, so he asked a question.
"If you were getting knob would you fall asleep?"
Sometimes I had trouble answering Mike's questions, but this one posed no problem.
"No."
Mike turned to John, who now stood by his side, grinning.
"See, John, Jim wouldn't fall asleep, either."
John seemed to be in a good humor, and he laughed.
Even though John had called me an asshole earlier in the summer, we somehow managed to get along. Since I was self sufficient and knew warehouse procedures better than him, I did not need his help, and therefore ignored him most of the day.
A few days after calling me an asshole he was still pissed. I was pulling some sprinkler heads off a low shelf, placing them on my cart. Jorie stood about 10 feet away, working on something. John came flying around a corner with the forklift. Instead of slowing down as he approached me, he made a fast turn and the pallet he was hauling leveled against my legs. I recognized the danger as he approached, but instead of trying to avoid the skid, I half closed my eyes and breathed deeply. There was a loud crash and some of the pipe fittings that were on the skid fell to the floor, surrounding my feet. I was expecting to be knocked to the floor, writhing in pain. Instead, it appeared as if my body had diverted the heavy iron. I watched as the skid hit something, was it my legs?... and come to a quick halt.
I stood amid the mess, a sprinkler head in my right hand. Although I had just witnessed a potential disaster to my well being and health, there was not a stir of fear inside of me. My heart rate had not even increased. I continued to breathe with a calm evenness, a smile upon my face. I looked about, wondering how everything had crashed around, but not into me.
Jorie looked on in disbelief.
"John, what are you doing?!" she exclaimed.
John looked bewildered, angry that he had missed his chance to do me harm. He did not answer. He was in as much disbelief as I was. I bent down to pick up the scattered pipe fittings, and placed them back on his skid. When all the fittings were off the floor, I turned back to the shelf and continued pulling sprinkler heads.
After that day John did not know what to make of me. He knew I was an asshole, but he did not count on me being an insane asshole. He kept his distance from me, but when he spoke his tone was slightly reverential, a kind of respect for the enemy. He knew I had no fear of him, and he now knew I had no fear of death.
"I have not been getting a lot of sleep, it was past midnight when she was sucking me off", John said as he walked away.
"fuck, John, your a homo," Mike yelled.
"Look here, Jim".
Mike pointed to his bare bicep. A still wet tattoo was engraved on his arm. I looked at it.
"What do you think? I got it last night."
I could not think of anything witty to say.
"It looks painful".
"A little, but I love this, it looks so awesome!"
Mike was happy. I was happy because Mike was happy.
I walked to my green pull cart, clipboard in hand, and started another long day of work.
I worked my way through the orders, filling my cart. When I was near the loading docks I saw 2 sparrows mating. I realized I had never seen 2 birds having sex before, and I watched intently.
"Jim, leave those birds alone, can't you see their busy," Mike said.
"I've never seen that before".
Mike stopped to watch. We stood together, sweat dripping off our arms. The birds flitted about, making love. It seemed depressing, why would they choose to mate on a dirty loading dock?
When the birds finished I bent over my cart and started to double check my work before loading it onto a skid.
At that moment, the flower which had opened inside me the previous evening, broke open again, a full blown blossom growing inside my chest!
I felt the same sensation as the night before, as if my cells were filling with the flower's redolence, but with a double dosage of light and love.
Mike was still standing beside me. I straightened myself up, and looked at the light slanting through the loading dock doors, the heavy grease marks on the gray floor looking warm and moist. I wondered if Mike could sense what was happening to me. He was studying his tattoo, so had not noticed that I was currently in a state of insane clarity.
"Nothing can harm me", went through my head.
Mike could whip a sprinkler head at my face. John could run me over with the fork lift. Fred could fire me. None of it mattered.
"What if my mother died this instant?" I thought.
"Even that, it is all part of the flow. There is nothing to fear."
A beatific ecstasy overwhelmed me as I filled a skid with oily elbows and shiny little sprinkler heads. I picked up the shrink wrap roll and wrapped the order tight, circling the skid as if it was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.
Mike and his tattoo even looked beautiful.
The flower inside of me remained open for 3 or 4 hours. My eyes continually looked inward, gazing at the immensity of its power and beauty.
As the day came to a close, the flower began to close itself for good, never to open again. I walked out of the warehouse, dirty and stinking, and crossed the small lot to my car. I sat in my car for a minute or two, a supreme empty silence surrounding me.
Mike got into his car, waved to me as his tires spun gravel into the air, his engine revving loud and heavy. I followed, pulling out of the lot, heading into traffic. The late afternoon sun splotched the dirty windshield with rings of light, the dust sparkling like a halo of gold.
No comments:
Post a Comment