Wisconsin

Moments like this one

when I’ve invented another

poem, which she, too, loved

to do, moments like this,

I miss her so—that my breath

leaves me, and the sudden

immense weight of sorrow

sinks me like a treasure chest

to the ocean floor. Sometimes

I sit down here quiescent as sand

and seashell fragments. Sometimes

I weep, waking the swaying anemone.

Moments like this it takes a long time

to resurface, my body

racing ahead of me

toward daylight.

Ward Smith

My first happy running day in a while. Well, not really happy, but getting close. I rode my bike to the cemetery, parked in the grass and ran loops for 35 minutes, 10 minutes longer than last time. After the run I did 30 minutes of hard looping on my bike.

35 minutes was enough to make me feel that I actually did some running work - it felt so good to be running under the sun, getting warm enough to remove my gloves. My knee was a little wobbly at times, but 35 minutes of running is 35 minutes of running, regardless of how it is achieved. Even if I don't improve beyond this, at least I can achieve the rhythm and beauty of motion - I was born to run, it is in my blood. Without it a part of me is dead. I will always be out there, no matter how ill or injured, trying to get into a running groove. I love it too much to let it get away from me.

Yesterday I decided to tone some of the recent darkroom prints. I improved some, degraded others. It is always a risk. Pictures that I am completely satisfied with I won't tone or experiment with - a bird in the hand is worth 2 in the bush, as the cliche goes.

No darkroom work today.

On my 15 minute walking break at work today I was stopped by an old glove laying on the ground. What is it about old, abandoned gloves? Unfortunately, per Rachel's love letter, I no longer carry her camera around with me everywhere I go. So, I just had to gaze, and move on.

Old Glove

Printed a few years ago

Staring at that glove today reminded me of Aaron Siskind :

Photography is a way of feeling, of touching, of loving. What you have caught on film is captured forever . . . it remembers little things, long after you have forgotten everything.

Aaron Siskind devours the landscape

The last few days I have been printing negatives from my first year of photography. I was 25. Young, energetic, filled with fire. I believed there was nothing that could escape my widened eyes. It was all there, laid before me like an exquisite meal waiting to be devoured by someone who had not eaten for 3 days.

Siskind was right, film remembers the little things. Looking at the details of the prints, I am amazed at the fine lines, the sharpness of everything. The camera I was using was a 1960's Yashica, which my parents picked up at a garage sale for $20. It did not have a view finder, and I found out soon enough that if I leveled everything just so, the horizontal line would always lean down a few degrees from left to right. I learned to compensate by tilting the camera before pressing the exposure button. The lens was brilliant, though, capturing all that detail and sharpness, still sleeping in the film, 17 years later.

Eight Cognition

The lovely sunsets they watched on those weekly strolls along the Seine, when the sun shone ahead of them all the way through the many lively aspects of embankment life : the Seine itself, the lights and shadows dancing on its face, the amusing little shops, each one as warm as a greenhouse, the pots of flowers on the seedmen's stalls, the deafening twitter from the bird-shops, and all the joyous confusion of sounds and colours that makes the waterfront the everlasting youth of any city.
From The Masterpiece, by Emile Zola


Forced myself to take a day of non activity - no biking, no pictures. Just lazed around the house. Made some Indian beryani, so had a lovely supper.

The prints from yesterday's session dried, they look decent. Looking forward to making more soon.

I was once 25, No. 7
The Preacher, Chicago

I was once 25, No. 8
Chicago Beach 3




I was once 25, No. 9
Remembering Robert Frank
Daley Plaza, Chicago



I was once 25, No. 10
State Street, Chicago



I was once 25, No. 11
Chicago Beach 4

5 Jahre art gallery ryf - Einladung zur Vernissage am: Donnerstag 12. März 2009 von 18 - 22 Uhr

'By God, she's a beauty!' Claude muttered to himself. Here it was, the very thing, the model he'd tried in vain to find for his picture, and, what's more, posed nearly as he wanted her! A bit on the thin side, perhaps, and still with something of the undeveloped child about her, but so supple, so fresh, so youthful! And yet her breasts were fully formed. How the devil had she managed to hide them last night? Why hadn't he even suspected what she was like? This was a find, and no mistake!
From The Masterpiece, By Emile Zola


I am stunned that in a couple of days a few of my photographs will be part of a photography exhibit. Last summer I was painting the house and running, art just a memory. Now I am back at it, working hard, and selling.

The owner even gave me a webpage at his gallery site - thanks Erich!

There are so many variables involved. I mean, having the luck to have good equipment and a pro darkroom. Being able to cross paths with people and things which mean something to me. To point the camera at these people and things and hope for the best. Bringing that feeling of love into the darkroom and trying to salvage just a tiny portion onto paper - how crazy is that, trying to transfer an emotion to a picture! Then finding that sometimes the picture does indeed contain a trace of love and truth. And finally, the frightening experience of showing other people these images. That a few can recognize the love and emotion, and pay money for it, blows me away.

Yesterday I had a short darkroom session, working on just one neg, making 4 prints. 1 came out pretty good. I used a different type of lith developer, LP Superlith. It pretty much does the same thing as LD20, but I like Superlith better because it is not as toxic.

I was once 25, No. 6
Chicago River

Today I was feeling the fire, printed 4 or 5 negs, and I believe I made a few nice prints. Below a couple of Print Info sheets from the session :

Maybe I had the old energy of youth because I was printing from negs made when I was 25. The more I look at the old negs, the more I fall in love with who I once was. I had the passion, the desire, and I worked my ass off. I was living a pure life - no TV, drugs, or greed for unreasonable things like money and power. One of my co-workers at Morningstar, David G., once told me I was living with blinders on. Although he did not mean it as a compliment, I took it as such, because my whole life was built around an obsession with art, and without blinders I was surely going to fail.

In a way I am still living the pure life - no TV, drugs, car, and still no money, although I probably spend too much time in front of the computer reading Yahoo sports and running blogs :)

I have never made more than $24,000 a year, and yet I have always had enough cash to do what needed to be done. The past 2 years I have averaged $12,000 a year, pre-tax - how the fuck do I survive? The older I get the less money I am making.

Sure, I'd like $100,000 so that I would never have to be a wage slave again, but maybe there is something to be learned from having to work at jobs that suck - having to be around people who are violent, crazy, or just plain mean, puts my life philosophy to the test on a daily basis. If I did not have to work I would probably talk to 1 or 2 people a week at the most, thus never being put into the fire.

The last two days I rode my bike at the cemetery. 50 minutes of hard loops yesterday, and today my best effort so far, 90 minutes of looping hard, in the rain. It was 65 degrees, and beautiful to be riding at top speed with rain and mud flying at me with every turn of the wheel. My legs were caked with grime, and when I got home I saw that my face was speckled in mud - I must have been quite a sight for the passing motorists, all clean and dry in their cars.

I Was Once 25 - Sleeping Lessons

Near the door, he stood for a long while contemplating the nude studies painted at Boutin's; his eyes lit up with the pleasure of a connoisseur, though he kept them carefully shaded under his heavy lids. He had talent, and a real feeling for life, this young maniac, if only he wouldn't waste his time on things nobody wanted!
From The Masterpiece, by Emile Zola


Worked in the darkroom the past couple of days. I don't expect the results to be so great at first because it has been 3 months since I have last made prints.

I was once 25, No. 1
Ward Smith



I was once 25, No. 2
Chicago Beach




The Railyard, Autumn Study



I was once 25, No. 3
Ward Smith 2




I was once 25, No. 4
Wells Street, Chicago



I was once 25, No. 5
Chicago Beach 2

Friday and Saturday I biked for 90 minutes and also included some running at the cemetery when I took a break from biking loops. Yesterday I ran 25 minutes, that seems to be about the maximum time my legs can take for now.

My biking strength, however, is improving quickly, I am capable of riding 60 minutes of hard loops without break, and my leg muscles are adapting to this new type of exercise.

Today my knee feels a little stiff, so I will just take it easy and recover from the past week's work.

Rachel Leaves a Love Letter

Acceptance

lately I can only get an hour, an hour and a half's sleep a day or night. if I get 3 I feel pretty good. keep leaping up imagining burglars, my brain going, going. or that somebody is planning to kill me. (that's an old one.) meanwhile Webb writes that I have been nominated for the Pulitzer Prize. Webb said they asked for a bio and a photo. altho what a bio and a photo have to do with a man's work, i dunno. happened to mention to Wantling, and he and wife made a big thing of it, made me feel rather foolish. I liked better Frances' reaction. she came over with the kid and demanded 19 weeks child support in advance.
Charles Bukowski, June 25, 1966

3 Hour Walk IX

Switched gears today and started what will hopefully be a long string of darkroom sessions. I am aiming to make some high quality prints for the Swiss gallery.

Today's session was a good start, although the batch of LD20 I mixed was too strong and I was feeling it in my head. The room ventilation is adequate for most chemicals, but LD20 is more toxic than regular print developer, so I can work with it only in short time segments and not in consecutive days. So other than having to take frequent fresh air breaks, I made some interesting prints.

I am putting off buying new supplies because the massage therapy sessions are eating into my reserve cash. Out of the blue today, though, I received a payment from the Swiss gallery, but it was a smaller amount than what I was hoping for. I guess the US economic depression is also being felt in Switzerland! So the cash I received will pay for the massages, but supplies are going to set me back $200-250. Since I will be sending the best prints to Switzerland, I won't be able to recover the costs from selling on eBay, and because of today's payment I have little faith that I will recover my costs any time soon.

So I am working with what I have, which is 5x7 Foma paper. When I am printing 5x7 I gravitate toward my old 35mm negs, so for today's session I chose a few from my early years, 1991-2. A couple of beach scenes (not the typical sunny, happy, sun burnt look), a rainy street scape, and a portrait of my old friend Ward Smith.

When I glanced at the print info sheet from the previous session I realized I have been working with the digital camera for almost 3 months. Now I am swinging back to film and paper, which is what I was hoping would happen.

It was a warm day today, 64 degrees, but very windy. It felt great to wear shorts and a techie shirt for my attempted run. I made it about 2 miles, then felt some overall leg weakness set in, so I stopped. The good news is my knee never tightened up, and when I got home it felt strong walking up and down stairs. I am heading in the right direction, but my right leg is still weeks away from being normal.

Because of my weakened leg strength I emailed the Clinton Lake race director today to ask if there is a waiting list for runner's who are hoping to take the place of injured participants. If there was one, I was willing to give up my spot, but the director told me that it is too late to register new runners.

Tomorrow I will plan on biking in the warm weather, then on Saturday another attempt at running.

One more positive thing about my knee, today was the first time since the race that it was not stiff upon waking up - feeling good about that...

Jezebel

I sit here writing you tonight with 6 teeth aching the living christ outa me and only 2 beers left and the landlord will want his $85, even tho once a week she or he will come down and get me and ask me to get drunk with them and so I'll get drunk with them, we'll talk, and then we'll sing corny songs, songs of their choice, and I'm glad to see them happy but they don't help my happiness much except that they drink and I drink and we sit there in their breakfast nook until Frances brings the kid and the kid cries and Frances says, "come home, come home!" so I come home, fuck it, and it's a beautiful little girl, tho, and I think she loves me. that's hell.
Charles Bukowski, September 7, 1965

Painting Studio

Massage therapy went well, the lady worked mainly on my butt, I guess the people who have called me a tight ass were right after all :)

Felt good afterward, so I rode my bike hard, looping the cemetery for 50 minutes, for a total of 70 minutes. I don't breathe hard when biking, no matter how fast I pedal, feels strange.

Tomorrow it is supposed to be in the 60's, time to go for a run and test my legs. Everyday this week I have felt stronger and getting back to normal. I attribute this to no running, so I will stop running at the first sign of anything abnormal. At least I can bike until exhaustion whenever the mood strikes.

Rachel called my bluff today. She realized I have no intentions of buying a digital camera, but rather, just continue using hers. Today I opened the desk drawer to retrieve the camera for my walk to work - nada, no camera - Rachel hid it from me :) Guess it's time to buy a camera.....

Oh well, lots of older pictures I can work with, not to mention film stills from YouTube :

Cathy Cullis

Sixty-six years
Piling sins,
I leap into hell -
above life and death.
Dogen

I have not been inspired by many living artists during the past 10 years. All of my heroes are dead.

So it was a nice surprise to be inspired from a book written by a living artist, Cathy Cullis, Cherry Blossoms for the Heartbroken.

The past two days I worked on 2 recent photographs exposed in my home when the sun was setting. In each picture I added a drawing by Ms. Cullis, and then added words to finish the picture off. I made sure to include her name in the picture, and I emailed the artist asking her if she minded me making these pictures. Since I am not making these for profit, I am hoping she won't object.

Awesome bike ride today. Rode 1 hour around the cemetery, never losing speed, and I was smart enough to wear two pair of socks and warmer shoes.

Walking home from work I stopped at a massage therapists and asked if they could help loosen up my leg. Rick, the owner, took me back into his mini gym and had me get into various stretch positions to determine my problem. He said I was extremely inflexible, no surprise, as I have never been able to touch my toes. He was knowledgeable about running, and revealed that he had helped a Canadian 3k champion reach a PR through his massage/stretching techniques.

I was sold, and signed up for a 1 hour leg massage tomorrow. It sets me back 60 bucks, but if it helps even a tiny bit it will be worth the money spent.

Popcorn & Honey

"Typewriter shot thru 20 times and now dead. Must get another : feel like a man without a cock having a spiritual hard-on and nothing to ram it home with. I can't spin anything without the keys, the keys have a way of cutting out the fat and retaining the easiness."
Charles Bukowski, April 16, 1965

My knee feels great, that's because I am not running. I forget that I am injured and ask ,"how come I'm not out running the South Farms?" Then I remember, get depressed, so jump on my bike and pedal as hard as I can until my running angst dissipates a bit. Yeah, being injured sucks big time donkey scrotum....

Biking is alright, but I never get that odd feeling of euphoria and exhaustion which is unique to running. Part of the problem is the upper body is just hanging on for life as the legs pump and churn. Today as I rode loops around the cemetery my toes never got warm and so I had to deal with the discomfort of frozen feet. Well, it's better than sitting around the house reading Bukowski in the cold afternoon light.

I am not sure when I want to try running again. It seems when I run it puts my knee back to square one. In moments of despair I think maybe I tore my cartilage in two and I will never run again. Today that thought occurred while I was pedaling up the cemetery hill, and then an image of George Bush riding his bike filtered slowly through the latticework of my brain. That depressed me beyond belief....

Then I get an email this afternoon from the race director of Clinton Lake, saying he hopes that everyone's training is going well. I stopped reading after that sentence.

I checked the little sidebar thingy on my blog and there are only 25 days remaining until Clinton Lake. I am so stubborn that I am still holding out hope that I will be at the start line dressed in black - NB 790's, Farmdale shirt, and Nike Shorts.

Daydream in Red & Black

2 nights ago I dreamed I was running a city marathon. I was in awesome shape, running fast, not feeling tired. The course was interesting and fun, a 2 mile loop, and at the start/finish a large portable staircase which needed to be climbed/descended after each loop. My favorite part of the dream was when I stopped at a corner grocery and ordered an horchata. I was in a hurry and told the owner that I would be back in 15 minutes to pick it up :)

My mind is getting into funky moods without running, as illustrated by today's picture :

and umm, some popcorn, please, to go with the honey :

Ben Bedford at the Embassy

Well I won't be staying long
4 or 5 days maybe less
you can take me out to dinner
to the place you like the best
we can gaze across the table
and you can tell me about your life
the man you fell in love with
and how you're now his wife.

If you find you need me
or you're feeling sad
you can call me on the phone
and talk of good times that we had
and I'm sure your kids are pretty
and one day they'll understand
the vast expanse of heartache
and how love slipped through my hands.

from Annabelle #2, by Ben Bedford

Ben Plays the Embassy, No. 1

An amazing night at the Embassy yesterday.

When we walked in 10-15 people sat at the bar or tables, and Ben stood with his back to the room, tuning his guitar, the picture window lit green/yellow from the cold night lamps, the neon beer sign throwing gaudy reflections on the walls and floor.

Rachel and I sat down at the bar, closest to Ben. A woman sat beside us, I recognized her as one of the barkeeps. She overheard us ordering our veggie burgers and drinks, and offered her advice on the grilled mushrooms.

10 minutes later Ben walked by and recognized me, even though I had not seen him in years. We shook hands, and I gave him some cash for his latest CD.

He sang his first set to a partly empty room, a handful of people listening. He put his heart into every note, his voice filling the dim room with melody and beauty. His style had matured since I had last heard him, his guitar technique flawless and his voice exceptionally clear and resonant.

Ben Plays the Embassy, No. 2

At the break I was touched that Ben decided to sit with Rachel and I. I had never sat down with Ben and spoken, so I wondered how it would go.

I found out that Ben ....

• will soon be getting married to a fellow musician
• was a history major
• is a runner
• has been making his living from music for the past 4 years
• was not sure of the meaning of Bukowski's epitaph "Don't Try"
• has a western states tour coming up this summer
• was not aware of The Handsome Family or Bon Iver
  

Our discussion passed much too quickly, and he soon resumed his second set. He played a version of Twenty One that blew me away, and Annabelle #2, one of my favorites, made me smile and feel meloncholy. He dedicated Poncho and Lefty to Rachel and I.

Ben Plays the Embassy, No. 3

Rachel had to work in the morning so unfortunately we had to leave during his second set. I said goodbye as I passed, sad to leave this beautiful, forlorn troubadour.

I love Ben Bedford....

Sweep the Leg

Under cherry trees
there are
no strangers.
Issa

Well, actually, I am rolling the leg. Greg left a comment on my now idle running blog about how he suffered a similar injury while running 18 miles in snow. He revealed that using a foam roller helped his leg recover.

I did some internet research on foam rollers and found that some runners use their Nalgene bottles for the same purpose. Since I am not in possession of a foam roller, I decided to use the Nalgene bottle resting in my freezer.

I lay down on my side on a wood floor, balancing my right thigh on the frozen bottle. I tried to roll my upper leg, back and forth. Balancing required a good effort from my triceps, so I also got to work a bit on my arms.

I felt pretty good afterward, and have now rolled my leg 3 times.

I ran 1.5 miles today, same result, stiffness after 10 minutes which puts an end to my running visions.

The good news is I seem to be slowly getting stronger. Today I walked up and down stairs with no stress on the knee, which is an improvement. The only thing remaining is to get well enough to run. Even the soreness when I sleep at night has disappeared - I have to keep faith that this will heal soon.

Alas, not soon enough. It seems I am getting too close to launch date for my 2 spring ultras, and my longest run during the past 27 days has been 3 miles. I may as well admit, barring a miracle, that my next long race will be sometime this summer.

Today I contemplated getting back into the darkroom, but instead I worked on and finished our tax returns. Dull, I know, but I was motivated knowing that in a month I will be getting a check for a few hundred bucks.

I worked on 2 digital photos this evening, close-ups I exposed while walking home from work yesterday.

When I finish posting this entry I am off to the Embassy to hear Ben Bedford. I am going to bring the camera along and hope to get a photo or two of him performing to a packed bar.

The Enlightenment of Homeless Bill

"The wind blows hard among the pines
Toward the beginning
Of an endless past.
Listen : You've heard everything."
Shinkichi Takahashi

It felt good to walk to work with the camera again.

As usual, I saw Homeless Bill sitting in his usual spot. This time, I decided to photograph him.

I have always been curiously fascinated with people who wander around all day, no commitments, home, family or friends. Living in Chicago in the 90's I saw my fair share of these lost souls. Some seem deranged, others filled with greed for the next drink or meal. A few, though, seemed thoroughly happy. These I considered to be the wise ones, modern day Zen masters who roamed the earth as enlightened individuals.

I don't have the sense that Homeless Bill is one of the enlightened ones, but the picture I made of him this morning may prove me to be wrong.

I did another triple workout this afternoon. Ran 1 mile to Brookens, then did 6 sets of strength exercises and 6 sets of jump rope. I walked home, then got on my bike and rode 9-10 miles as fast as I could. No matter how hard I pedaled I could not force myself into exhaustion. I was doing loops around the cemetery - going into the wind, uphill, I attacked it like I was Lance Armstrong. I'm either in fantastic cardio shape, or biking is just too damn easy for me.

Outraging the Normal Scene

"In the meantime I could even sell two photographs you sent me last time and I will transfer your part in due course.

The photographs I could sell were acquired by two professionals so I still believe that your work is something special, outraging the normal scene."
Erich Ryf

If I am outraging the normal scene, I must be doing something right.

Pretty crazy 24 hours.

First, Rachel comes home to this :



And we eat a bit of this :

I walk to work, work a bit on the budget, feel like I need some air, take a walking break, and see this :

I get home and get 2 amazing emails.

The first is from Ben Bedford.

3 or 4 years ago I was sitting in the Embassy Tavern with Rachel, drinking and talking, when this guy starts singing and playing his guitar.

From the first note I knew he was something special. I listened with great interest until his final song. Rachel had left hours ago, but I stayed, sitting on a bar stool, getting swept into the ether of this man's voice.

I introduced myself during one of his breaks, and told him one day I would be reading about him in the New York Times. Well, the New York Times may not have heard of him yet, but a lot of people have, and his new album is getting a lot of attention.

He is playing at the Embassy this Friday, and Rachel and I will be there, cheering him on. In a couple of more years he will be too big to be playing for free at the Embassy, so I better see him while I can.

The second email was from Erich Ryf, owner of a gallery in Switzerland. 2 or 3 years ago he contacted me about exhibiting in his gallery. I accepted (who wouldn't?), and sent him a box of photographs. I was able to sell 2 small 5 x7's during the first month. Unfortunately, at that time, everything turned south for me. I lost my energy just after completing the gallery darkroom sessions. I couldn't get myself to work anymore. Just at a time when my work was selling in galleries in New York, Switzerland, Colorado, and Chicago, I had to leave it all because my vision vanished.

Van Gogh predicted that if he ever experienced success with his pictures, it would be the end of his career. In 1889 -1890 he was finally getting some recognition, but he ended his life in mid 1890, never to experience the influence he would have on future artists.

After getting a bit of exposure, I did not have the desire to take my life, but I could no longer work and see. My spirit had withered.

I finally started to gain some life in October, 2008. I started tentatively, and slowly built some momentum. I started a blog. Learned digital photography. I had lost contact with the gallery world, but maybe this was a good thing. It was back to basics, making pictures to make pictures.

Erich's email included this :

I was surprised that he included my name in his gallery pamphlet. I wrote Erich today telling him how stunned I was to see this, and offered to send him some new work. I am feeling the fire again, so I want to get into the darkroom and make 10-15 new prints for his gallery.

A few hours ago he wrote back and told me to send the work. Not only that, but the opening quote to this blog entry was in the email. So I may have sold some more work, and will be getting some cash soon, which will pay for the supplies I will be ordering in the next few days.

And the best, an epitaph for my gravestone :

Outraging the Normal Scene

~ ~ ~

I had a triple workout today. Ran to the arboretum and did 3 sets of strength exercises. Ran a little more, then walked home.

Feeling energetic, I rode my bike to Brookens and did 6 sets of strength exercises and 6 sets of jump rope.

Riding my bike home, I still had a lot of unspent energy, so I rode to the cemetery and rode around the empty roads as fast as I could, and rode up the steep hill 5 or 6 times. I rode home as hard as I could.

My knee would not allow running more than 3 miles, but, riding a bike does not bother it, so I have found a way to get a good cardio and leg workout.

I'm doing what I can....

Recently discovered this band :

Meditation XIII : Letters & Pictures

"Rolling the bamboo blind, I
Look out at the world - what change!
Should someone ask what I've discovered,
I'll smash this whisk against his mouth.

All's harmony, yet everything is separate.
Once confirmed, mastery is yours.
Long I hovered on the Middle Way,
Today the very ice shoots flame."
Chokei


Today I was happy.

While I was walking to work this morning I noticed that my legs felt stronger, especially in the hips. When I ran across a busy street I felt like my old self - light and fast.

When I got home from work I took Maggie to the arboretum and we ran around the 1/2 mile field. I was able to run the field 6 times, which is double what I had been doing. I even wore Maggie out because, feeling so exuberant, I could not control my pace and ended up running faster than I should have.

After the run I did 3 sets of strength exercises and the special hip stretches.

Today gives me confidence that I am going to get over this. I felt kind of smart today because I figured out how to treat this odd injury. However, it is too early to be giving myself a pat on the back, I will wait until I can run the South Farms, then I will celebrate by eating a Jimmy John's sandwich :)

My 13 days of silent meditation have come to an end. I made some progress and hope to continue meditating everyday, although it will not be as easy since I won't be living alone.

I will pick up Rachel at the airport tomorrow.

After I finish writing this entry I will bake a cake for her.

More old letters and pictures found today :

After my run today I recalled Wim Wender's film Lisbon Story. The main character has his foot in a cast for the first half of the story. When his foot finally heals and he sheds his cast, he is exuberant and celebrates by doing a dance with a big smile on his face!

Here is a beautiful segment from that film :

Meditation XI-XII : Postcards & Polaroids

"Better watch your soul,
it'll leave you like a hundred bucks.
My friend said, "stick to your guns",
But instead I just got stuck.
And I'm walking backwards,
lookin' forward to getting done,
Oh but that ain't enough,
no, you want me to run.
Oh that ain't enough, no,
you want me to run."
M. Ward

Yesterday I had 2 good workout sessions. In the late morning I went to the arboretum with Maggie and ran in the empty field adjacent the experimental plots. The field is about 1/2 mile square, with some places to stop and do some stretches. I felt pretty good, considering it was my first consecutive running day in about a week and a half.

Later in the evening I ate the biryani leftovers, relaxed, and realized my legs felt good, so I went over to Brookens at 10:00pm and did 10 sets of strength exercises. Last Saturday I managed 5 sets of jumping rope, this time I was able to do 10 sets.

I had some soreness in my knee as I slept last night, but it has not bothered me since I got up. Decided today is a good time to rest and recover. There are days when I feel I am going in the right direction, and that full recovery is only a couple of weeks away. I hope that is the case.

I was looking through some old postcards this afternoon. Reading the notes from friends jarred some memories loose. I have boxes of correspondence from the 90's, but now that email is dominant I don't have much from the past 5 years. Part of that is my fault, as I lost the desire to write. I currently owe letters to 3 or 4 friends. It sometimes takes me 5 to 6 weeks to respond.

Postcards & Polaroids

Card

When Rachel spent 2 years in Namibia working for the Peace Corps I sent her over 250 letters. It would take 3 weeks for a letter to arrive, so it skewed our sense of time. I realized that upon receiving letters from her hitching through southern Africa on a month long vacation, that she was most likely already back in Namibia at her teaching post. I once received a Christmas package from her in June. I proudly wore the scarf she knit to work that day.

When Rachel returned from Africa, I met her at the airport and we had a nice cab ride back to the city. I had hung a sign in the living room which welcomed her home. However, it must not have been well placed, because she never noticed it, and after an hour passed I finally gave in and had to point the sign out to her.

We still joke about that poorly placed sign, so I have decided that I want a second chance to redeem myself. Today I printed out a welcome home poster which I will hang in the living room on Tuesday when she returns from Hawaii. I also plan to bake her favorite cake (chocolate macaroon bundt with German chocolate frosting), and will try to repeat the yummy biryani dish which I made yesterday.

Not much going on tonight, the house is quiet, it is cold outside, and I'm getting hungry...

Meditation X

"At last I've broken Unmon's barrier!
There's exit everywhere - east, west, north, south.
In at morning, out at evening; neither host nor guest.
My every step stirs up a little breeze."
Daito

Meditation X

Running everyday is fun because the momentum can be felt, and that inspires me to get out there and not miss a day. Now that I am injured, I have been running every other day, but I am finding that it too has its advantages.

Yesterday was an off day, and since it was cold I was relieved not to run. It was the first time in over 19 months that I was happy not to run. Today was equally cold, but I was excited to get out and run because a 2 day rest is good for building energy.

Today I felt some improvement in my overall leg strength. This injury has more to do with my hip than my knee, although it is the knee which stops me from running. Before the knee starts to tighten I can feel the hip getting progressively weaker, then it is only a matter of time before my leg strength is corrupted, which is manifested in a tight knee flex.

I finished another watercolor painting yesterday. I am happy with how these paintings are turning out. I have always wanted to be a painter more than a photographer, but I love how the camera can capture exact line and spacial perspective. This new method of picture making allows me to combine my love of the exact line with the unpredictable, free hand that places color and spirit onto paper. Within a few months I hope to have 30-40 of these types of paintings made.

I made an incredibly delicious meal tonight. I placed golden potatoes, cauliflower, carrots, and peas into a large pot and cooked them in just a bit of water for 15 minutes. I then dropped various types of indian spices into the pot, added 1 cup of water, and cooked on low heat for 30-40 minutes. I then put the burner on high and cooked for 5 more minutes, just to get everything smoking. This was followed by adding a cup of cooked basmati rice, turning the dish in an Indian biryani. I warmed up some paratha bread on a skillet, and sat down in the quiet, dim room with a cup of hot nettle tea to enjoy my meal. I mixed up some chocolate pudding earlier in the day, and ate that for desert. I'm looking forward to the leftovers tomorrow :)


M. Ward :

Meditation VII-IX

Meditation VIII

Small Winter Day

"I write in the dark again,
rather by dusk-light,
and what I love about

this hour is the way the trees
are taken, one by one,
into the great wash of darkness.

At this hour I am always happy,
ready to be taken myself,
fully aware."
From Awakening VII, by Lucien Stryk

Tuesday was a day of rest - no exercising, no pictures.

Yesterday I had a good workout, ran 1.5 miles, walked 3 miles, and did 4 sets of strength exercises. I felt some tightness in the knee during the run, but nothing too bad. The tightness is the only problem I have. If I did not have it, I would be 100% healed, so I just need to find a way to cure it and I will back in business.

The one thing that is fascinating about being injured is observing how my spirit explores the problem, trying to find a solution. Yesterday while doing strength exercises at the arboretum I started running sideways, lifting the left leg, then pushing it left, followed by the right leg. After 30 meters I would reverse direction. This did not stress my legs or knee, so it was not an exercise which will help my problem.

I felt I was getting close, though, and as I was walking through the fields with Maggie, I started doing the sideways running a little differently. Instead of keeping my legs in a straight line, I would alternate bringing the right leg behind, and then in front of the left leg. I immediately felt the stress from this exercise, as it works the muscles/tendons which are directly related to the injury.

The main point of stress is in the vicinity of my right hip, and the tightness radiates down to the knee. When bringing my right leg behind the left, it stretches the muscle/tendon, and this causes the knee to tighten.

I am happy to have discovered this exercise, by practicing it the damaged leg will eventually repair itself if it wants to avoid pain.

Meditation is going well, I am taking it with me everywhere I go. It is good to practice it beyond the sitting cushion, but not easy.

Today Joseph came in to fix a shelf for Leona. I was the only one in the office, as Leona had a fearful visit with the doctor. Joseph was in a talking mood again, so he sat down on the floor, his back against the wall.

We discussed food.

"James, I spent $50-$60 this week on fruit."

I thought about this, then replied, "I went to Meijer and spent a similar amount on fruit. I have been eating a lot of star fruit lately."

"Star fruit is delicious."

"I hate driving to Meijer, it is too far to walk, but I love their produce, so I give in."

We are both vegetarians, and I asked him what he knew about Vitamin B12.

"I know about B-12, but I have not thought about it lately. I have been feeling really tired, though, but I decided it was the cold weather that was bringing me down."

"When I was 37 or 38 I experienced an energy crash that lasted for a couple of years. I thought it was caused by age, so learned to live with feeling down all the time. A couple of years ago I started to increase my iron intake, and that helped, but 6 months ago I read that vegetarians can't get enough B12 in their diet, so I started taking a supplement. Soon after I felt a boost in my energy. Rachel thinks it's all in my head, but I don't care because I am feeling great."

"Our mind has as much influence on our health as our body, " and so on....


During the conversation I wasn't doing well with my breathing, and I consequently felt a bit edgy. This hindered the ease of the conversation because I was fidgeting in my chair. I did not have time to sit in meditation before I went in to work, this no doubt played a part in my not being able to focus and relax. I have to remember how important it is to sit everyday.

Yesterday as I was walking through Lincoln Square one of the senior mall walkers was startled by my presence and made a frightened gesture and funny noise. Normally this kind of response would have thrown me off balance, but as I was focused on my breath her actions did nothing to my composure and stride. I walked on completely aware of my breath and surroundings. I felt good about this, because when I get into such a state, where external circumstances don't take me out of myself, I can no longer be swayed to and fro like a leaf in the wind.

Now that everything is slowing down for me, I am startled at how fast moving my life had become. While moving fast in a running race is a good thing, in day to day life it prevents me from enjoying the details of little and big things.

Food is an example. I was eating too quickly, and thus not enjoying the experience as much as I could have. This past week the simplest of foods have brought me immense pleasure. Feeling inspired, I have been creating new meals which have been delicious.

Yesterday I sauteed zucchini and mushrooms in olive oil, garlic, and salsa. I then placed the cooked food in a small bowl. I threw some parmesan and romano cheese on top of the hot food, then placed fresh cilantro atop the cheese. I covered the bowl for 5 minutes. When I uncovered the bowl the cheese had melted and the cilantro had become pleasantly warm and moist. I mixed everything together, and then savored each bite. A tasty snack!

I finished another watercolor painting yesterday. I printed out the first picture from the "Small Winter Day" series. I like the screen version, but this picture in particular was meant to be a painting.

I listed a few darkroom photographs on ebay, and on a whim 2 of my recent watercolor paintings. It is a lucky week because I have had several inquiries about the pictures, and already have a bid on one of the photographs.

If I can get back to selling 3 or 4 pictures a month, I can continue to work part time - let's do it!

Meditation V-VI

"On the same spot I sit today
Others came, in ages past, to sit.
One thousand years, still others will come.
Who is the singer, and who the listener?"
Nguyen Cong Tru

Saturday evening I went to Brookens and did 12 sets of strength exercises, 5 sets of skipping rope, and 20 minutes of IT band stretches. My knee was feeling good enough that I ran 3 laps around the gym barefoot.

The next day my knee felt fine, but I decided to relax in the house - built a fire, meditated, read.

Today I took Maggie to the arboretum and ran 1.5 miles in the grass. Knee started to get a little tight at the end when I stopped. I then did 3 sets of strength exercises and walked 2 miles.

Knee feels fine now, so I probably did not overdo it. Tomorrow no running, but will plan to run a small amount on Wednesday. I feel now is the time to begin giving the knee small doses of stress, followed by rest. Hopefully each time out I will feel a little stronger. I am guessing I need 3 more weeks of rest/stress until I am back to normal.

I may have to skip one of the spring ultras, but if I can get back to full strength by early March, maybe I can run one. Probably not, but at least a glimmer of hope remains because my knee seems to be gaining small increments of strength every 1 or 2 days.

Meditation is going well.

Today I bought groceries at Meijer and was able to maintain focus on my breath while walking the aisles, which allowed me to remain aware of my movements and thoughts.

Another shift in consciousness is that I am no longer moving too quickly, or, trying to get from one place to another, only to find that upon arriving where I was going, I am off to another place, hence, I am never really in any place at all.

By remaining aware of my breathing, I feel fully grounded wherever I happen to be. My breathing is deeper, with a more fluid rhythm. The aroma and taste of food is more intense, visuals are more jarring, and my interactions with people more peaceful and good natured.

I am far from where I need to be, but as the Zen Master once told me, I shouldn't strive to get to that place, rather, just be in the place where I am already present.

Did not make a painting yesterday, but made 2 today :

Meditation V

Meditation VI

Meditation III-IV - Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

"Colleges being nothing but grooming schools for the middle class non-identity which usually finds its perfect expression on the outskirts of the campus in rows of well-to-do houses with lawns and television sets in each living room with everybody looking at the same thing and thinking the same thing at the same time while the Japhys of the world go prowling into the wilderness to hear the voice crying in the mountains, to find the ecstasy of the stars."
From Dharma Bums, by Jack Kerouac

My consciousness is silently being altered through a concentrated effort of sitting, breathing.

Yesterday I woke at 4:00am and meditated.

Then walked to work, the silence of the streets almost as startling as the stillness inside my head.

When I got to work I tried to maintain focus on my breath as I worked on various projects.

Joseph came to the cottage at 7:30 with 2 others. After 5-10 minutes of work he sat down at the desk next to mine and asked,

"James, when you get up in the morning do you ever sing this to your dog, 'Wake up Maggie, I think I got something to say to you'.....?"

I grinned, and unsure of Joseph's mood, replied,

"I don't think I ever have".

This lead-in allowed Joseph to talk with me for 30 minutes. He did most of the talking, telling me about an upcoming Pacific Coast hiking trip which he probably won't participate in because he does not have 3 weeks vacation time.

He then went into a detailed account of his hiking trip through a part of the Appalachian Trail, specifically hiking the mountains of Vermont.

During the conversation I made a note of the following :

• Joseph has a 22 year old girlfriend
• He is an experienced surveyor
• He is almost finished with his 2 year degree in Geographical Information Systems
• Once finished with school he should have plenty of job opportunities
• He may move to the Denver area
• He practices Yoga while on his long distance hikes
• He carries incense and candles in his hiking backpack
• He does not get blisters after 12 hour mountain hikes in the rain
• He likes to drink tequila by the campfire

I am not sure why Joseph decided to sit down and tell me about his life, but while he was doing so I tried to maintain a focus on my breath while at the same time involving myself with his words. Because of this dual focus I was in a more relaxed state of mind, and perhaps this is why he felt comfortable enough to share so much with me.

Throughout I did not say much about my own life, I just listened, and asked questions. It reminds me of something Robert Bly wrote in a book of translated poems by Rilke, “If you want to to have a conversation with someone, ask a question, then..... listen.”

As Joseph spoke I was reminded of the fictional character Japhy Ryder (a portrayal of poet Gary Snyder) in Kerouac's Dharma Bums. I asked Joseph if he had read that book, and was surprised to find that he answered no.

When I got home from work I meditated, then took Maggie to the arboretum, where we did the same routine as the day before.

After a short rest I decided to make a watercolor. Rather than work from a still life, I decided to convert one of my recent digital photographs into a painting. The majority of my digi photos resemble etchings/paintings, not photographs. I do not print any of the photographs because I don't think I would like how they look on flimsy, glossy photo paper.

I inserted into my printer a piece of cut-down watercolor paper, then chose a photograph to print. I took the printed photo to my painting studio and got to work.

I set up my supplies - paints, water, brushes, towels, palette knife. Because I was working with watercolor I decided working on an easel would not be smart, so I set the paper on a small, flat table and began applying paint to paper.

Since I had already worked extensively on the photograph to achieve the tones and colors I wanted, there was not much which needed to be changed.

I was surprised how easy it was to mix colors that were similar to the photograph. When I applied the paint it soaked into the paper and ink nicely, and I liked how a thin layer of paint allowed the ink to show through.

I was able to get into a painting flow, which is where my mind turns off analytical thought and moves into a spacial/color mode.

As the painting progressed I realized I had hit upon a way of making pictures which suited my temperament. Making a digital photograph is easy in the sense that the computer does most of the grunt work - the mixing of colors, contrast/lightness, hue/saturation are quickly achieved with a few mouse clicks. While the results are superb and brilliant, there seems to be a step of the process missing - the part where I do the work. When I put the finishing touches on the painting, I realized I had found the missing step.

For my first painting using this method, I am pleased with the results.

Meditation III

Today I woke at 6:30am and meditated. Walked the dog. Cleaned the house. Did laundry. Ate lunch. Did another painting.

Meditation IV

The only time my knee hurts is when I am sleeping in bed. During the day I have no pain, and I am still searching for a proper method of recovery.

Tonight I am heading to Brookens Gym to skip rope and do some strength exercises.

Got a call from Rachel yesterday, she made it to Hawaii, and is having a great time.

Time to walk the dog....

I almost forgot, it's Valentine's Day, so here is a clip from one of my favorite Valentine's films :